A reader working at a university describes a growing emotional bond with a male colleague and friend.Over many months, their relationship has developed into a close friendship marked by frequent time spent together, mutual comfort, and occasional physical contact such as touching arms.

The writer explains that while she does not see him as perfect and sometimes dislikes his behaviour in group settings, she still feels a strong desire to be near him and often imagines sharing experiences such as holidays together.

However, she is unsure whether these feelings amount to romantic love or are simply an intense friendship, possibly influenced by the fact that he is male.She struggles to define whether he feels like a brotherly figure, a friend, or something more emotionally significant.

In response, advice is sought from psychoanalytic psychotherapist Susanna Abse, who highlights that “being in love” can take many forms, from intense sexual passion to slower, more pragmatic emotional bonds that are less often represented in popular culture.

She encourages reflection on whether the feelings involve sexual desire or fantasies, suggesting this distinction may help clarify whether the relationship is romantic or a deep friendship.

The advice also explores the idea that people may sometimes enjoy the feeling of being “in love” with an idea of someone rather than the reality of them, similar to a crush that allows emotional exploration without commitment or consequence.

The writer is encouraged to consider what is preventing her from exploring the relationship further, and whether the potential risk of changing the friendship is worth the possibility of discovering something more.

Ultimately, she is invited to reflect on what she would do differently if she accepted she was in love, and whether both individuals feel the same way, as this would naturally shape how the relationship evolves.

The piece concludes that friendships do not necessarily need to become defined or sexual, and that uncertainty can be part of understanding one’s emotional world.